Resolutions

I don’t have any true resolutions this year, just a very short, housewifey to-do list for 2012.

• Draft and sew a button-up shirt
• Crochet a bedspread
• Reduce food budget by 20%
• Attend church at least semi-regularly
• Refinish patio furniture

Of course, I’d also like to lose 20 pounds, become fluent in ancient Greek, and earn a million dollars, but that’s more of a wish list than a to-do list at this point.

Happy New Year, everybody!

I Did Stuff This Week

• Went to three bookstores.
• Forced The Goobs to do five whole days of school.
• Ate the best hamburger steak ever at North Shore Grinds.
• Planted grass.  (In my yard, not on JellyMan.)
• Finished planning Greek and history for the next school year.
• Killed my first lobster.

• Read The Necromancer by Michael Scott.
• Rearranged my desk area.
• Listened to fifteen hours of piano practicing.
• Knit a slouchy slipper sweater sock.
• Hated it.

Random Stuff I Did This Week

• Fought a little old lady for the best ears of corn at the commissary. 
• Went boogie boarding in jellyfish infested waters.
• Survived a game of Pictionary.
• Gave up the caffeine.
• Had a picnic lunch on a beautiful beach.
• Forced my Goobs to do three whole days of schoolwork.
• Read The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  
• Watered my plants.
• Ordered more school books.
• Embraced the caffeine.
• Made corn tortillas without a tortilla press.

It's a major award!

Smrt Mama of Smrt Lernins has given me a Beautiful Blogger Award!  (Don’t worry.  I’m fairly certain it had nothing to do with my damp okole pictures.)

Thanks, Smrt Mama!  I do love an award that doesn’t need dusting.  It totally makes up for all the work I have to do in order to accept it:

1. Thank the person who nominated you
2. Copy the award and paste it on your blog
3. Link to the person who nominated you for the award
4. List 7 interesting things about yourself
5. Nominate 7 beautiful bloggers

Number one: check.  Number two: check.  Number 3: check.  Now for seven interesting things.  Crap.  You already know everything about me - you know I’m afraid of bears and that I don’t like hugging people and that I fed my Goobs formula.  You know I watch kung-fu movies and curse like a sailor.  You know I knit socks.  You know I read books.  You know I used to do moulage for mass casualty exercises.  What’s left?

1. I’ve experienced blizzards, flash floods, tornados, earthquakes, and as of yesterday, a tsunami.
2. My elementary school sent me to a hideously awful camp for nerdy kids.
3. I was the coolest one there, which tells you something about nerds in general.
4. My left boob is a full cup size bigger than the right one.
5. I sang at Carnegie Hall along with 400 of my closest friends.
6. I have a fondness for the ukelele.
7. I would leave The Man for Chow Yun-Fat.  It’s true.

And now for the seven beautiful bloggers.  I could just nominate everyone in my little blogging circle, but you all know who you are and it wouldn’t be helpful to anyone, so I’m going to direct you to some folks you may or may not have stumbled across already.

1. Little Homestead in the City: Journal of a Self-Sufficient Urban Life
2. Orangette
3. Journals of an Amateur Naturalist
4. Drawings from Nature
5. Think!
6. The Women’s Colony
7. Sprouted Kitchen

 Have fun browsing!

Memories!

Yesterday I had to take my car to the shop (again.) While I was waiting in the customer lounge for a report of the damage, I heard a song that took me right back to sixth grade.  At the first strains of “Head to Toe” by Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam, the waiting room disappeared, and I was sitting on the curb in the hot sun with my two best friends, absent mindedly squishing fire ants and complaining about how bored we were.

We all have songs that trigger memories, don’t we? For me, “Little Boxes” by Pete Seeger will forever remind me of the Sunday drives my parents dragged my brother and me on when we were kids. We lived in Oklahoma at that time so there wasn’t much to look at, but we sang and joked and had a good time. My brother and I liked to make up new lyrics to the old folk songs:

Little kittens, in the grocery sack,
Little kittens, made of tuna fishes
Little kittens, little kittens, little kittens all the same,
There’s a smart one, and a dumb one, and a strong one and a stinky one,
And they’re all made out of tuna fishes and they all
Smell just the same.

Hey, I never said we were clever. 

Whenever I hear the hymn, “How Great Thou Art” I think of my old pastor K. Pastor K was a big man with a big heart and a big voice.  Hearing him sing during the service was always a huge comfort to me.  You could tell that he really meant it.

“Get Out of My Dreams” by Billy Ocean will always remind me of the roller skating rink I frequented in junior high school. They played that song all the time, and hearing it now brings back the stale air and sweaty palms and all the smack talk from the arcade.

Every time I hear “Silent Night” I’m in the middle of the candlelight Christmas Eve service when my dad played an arrangement of it on an acoustic guitar. You could have heard a pin drop when he was through. It was beautiful.

When I married The Man, I walked down the aisle to Pachelbel’s Canon in D Major.  Whenever I hear it now (aquariums really love that song - it’s discomfiting to listen to your wedding song while looking at a bunch of sharks) I hear the jingly-jangly little piano underneath all the orchestral splendor and remember how happy I was that day.

I used to sing “Feather Pluckin’ Insane” by The Presidents of the United States to JellyMan when he was fussy, so hearing it now reminds me of how heavy he was and how tired I was and how hard and how easy it was to be a new mother.

The Man used to swing Anemone up over his head and sing, “She’s So High Above Me” by Tal Bachman to her when she was a baby.  They would smile at each other and my heart would just about burst.

Of course, there are songs which bring back not so pleasant memories.  Like that time when the boy I had a desperate crush on asked me to dance, and I was so happy because I could tell he had tried to time it so that we would hit a slow song.  Well, after the last strains of Milli Vanilli’s “Baby, Don’t Forget My Number” faded away, Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory” came on.  I wanted to kill the DJ.  It’s impossible to dance to that song.  It’s too fast to dance slow and too slow to dance fast.  The poor kid and I struggled through it as best as we could, then we retreated to our corners, so embarrassed that we never spoke to each other again.

And there was the uncomfortable canoe episode at the lake with The Man the first summer we were dating.  The canoeing was my idea; I didn’t yet understand that he is strictly an indoor kind of guy.  I was so excited about the whole thing that I didn’t notice his discomfort until we were out on the middle of the lake, when I quit chattering long enough to see that The Man looked bored out of his skull and obviously would have rather been anywhere than out in the middle of a lake in a canoe.  Someone was blasting The Black Crowes from a campsite, so I listened to “Hard to Handle” and resisted the urge to drown myself.

You know, I could go on and on with the songs that bring back uncomfortable memories, but they all involve boys so I think I’ll stop there for now!

So, what songs take you back in time?

This Memory Won't Make My Memoirs

My grandma hated it when my obnoxiously cute kid brother and I called her Granny.  We’d say, “Hi, Granny,” and she’d say, “Don’t call me Granny,” and we’d laugh.  Well, to be honest, I’d call her Granny and my obnoxiously cute kid brother would stand behind me, giggling in a vague, nervous sort of way.  He was a wuss.  He’s an obnoxiously cute manly man now, but when we were 8 and 5, he was definitely a wuss.  Our Granny - I mean, Grandma - would laugh, too, but looking back I don’t think she thought we were as funny as we thought we were.  She still loved us enough to keep every scrap of paper we ever sent her, though, including this little essay I wrote in the third grade.  I’m posting it here, grammatical errors and all, because it brings back happy memories of my childhood.  I have a lot of happy childhood memories, far more than any one person has a right to, and that’s why I’ll never be able to write a proper memoir.  I’ve nothing to overcome.

Grandma’s House

At Grandma’s house there is a great big back yard with lots of flowers.  My brother, Grandma, and I catch lightning bugs.  There is an apple orchard with twenty or thirty apple trees.  She has three rooms in her basement.  One is the laundry room, one is a TV room, with a bed for my brother and I with lots of games.  The last one is the best of all.  It is the Christmas room.  It has a lounge, two sofas, an old airplane propeller of my Grandpa’s, a rocking horse, and my Mom and Dad sleep there when we visit.

At their farm they have about one hundred and fifty seven acres.  There are two barns, the rainbow barn for the tractors and a cow barn.  There is a hangar where they keep their airplane.  There is a house trailer and a tire swing, and the cows can come in the front yard.  There is a great big field of Queen Anne’s Lace.

We always go to see Great Grandma K.  She is very nice.  she has a great big piano and a raspberry bush.

My aunts and uncles come there too.  Grandpa takes us for a ride in his airplane too.  We are going to build a house there too.  At my Grandma’s house my Grandma and Grandpa play with us.  My Grandpa trips us and tickles us.  My Grandma plays games with us.  In the room that we have Christmas there are stuffed owls.  They are real except they have marble eyes.  Same with the quail in the TV room.

By Melanie, Age 8

Because I'm REALLY Lazy

And because it’s Sunday night, and I won’t be held responsible for anything I post on a Sunday night.  It’s just the way things are.

I swiped this list from my friend Elaine.  I’ve seen 172 of the movies listed below.  That disturbs me a little, because that’s only the tip of the iceberg.  Don’t believe me?  I’ve rated over 1500 movies over at Netflix, and those are just the ones I remember well enough to have a definite opinion about.  (Oh, so THAT’S why my butt is so flabby!)  What I really want to know is who came up with this list?  I suspect it was someone quite a bit younger than I am.

The I’ve Seen 171 (How Many?) Out of 239 Movies List 

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
() Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane

Total: 9

(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Anchorman
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
(x) White Noise
() White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
() The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total so far: 19

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
() Scary Movie 2
() Scary Movie 3
() Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
() American Wedding
() American Pie Band Camp

Total so far: 25

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
() Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 34

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
() White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30 (Suddenly 30)
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total so far: 44

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
(x) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG (2003)

Total so far: 54

(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
() The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber

Total so far: 63

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 71

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child’s Play
() Seed of Chucky
(x) Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
(x) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
(x) Son Of The Mask

Total so far:  80

(x) Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
(x) Joy Ride
(x) Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean’s Eleven
() Ocean’s Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremacy
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
() Predator II
(x) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x) Curious George

Total so far: 92

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 101

() Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She’s All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3

Total so far: 111

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
(x) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 124

() Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
() K-Pax
() Krippendorf’s Tribe
() A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
(x) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin

Total so far:  129

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 135

() Baseketball
() Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
(x) House of 1000 Corpses
(x) Devils Reject
(x) Elf
() Highlander
(x) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
() Three

Total so Far: 140

(x) The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
(x) Willard

Total so far: 146

(x) High Tension
() Club Dread
() Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
() Orgazmo
(x) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld

Total so far:  153

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
() Mortal Kombat
(x) Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) The Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
(x) The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness

Total so far: 159

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 165

(x) The Matrix
() The Matrix Reloaded
() The Matrix Revolutions
() Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
(x) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal

Total: 171

Thanks, Elaine.  That was sort of fun, in a “Wow, look at how much extra sleep I could have gotten over the years if I hadn’t watched so many crappy movies,” sort of way. 

Because I'm Lazy

Because I’m feeling lazy today my boy has pneumonia, I lifted this off Jamie’s blog. Thanks, Jamie.  The bolded and underlined items are things I’ve done in my short lifetime.  Everybody feel free to lift this for your own blog whenever you’re feeling lazy your boy has pneumonia.

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain.

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29 Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33 Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41 Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45 Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60 Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Gotten flowers for no reason

64 Donated blood, platelets, or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66 Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67 Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79 Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a lawsuit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

Saturday Mom Confession #3

My babies were formula-fed.  I used to try to justify my decision (to myself, you understand, not to the militant breastfeeders roving the neighborhood).  I'd say to myself, "Self, you're active duty military, and pumping just isn't going to work," and, "Self, you fed JellyMan formula, and you'd feel terrible if you breastfed Anemone and she turned out to be a rocket scientist while JellyMan swept floors somewhere."  And those arguments seemed reasonable to me at the time.  Actually, they still seem pretty reasonable.  But looking back, I think I fed my babies formula because I couldn't stand the thought of someone being ON me all the time.

When The Goobers were toddlers, it took all my inner resources to hold still while they grabbed my face with their sticky fingers, put their faces close to mine, and whispered their little secrets.  When they were sick, it was all I could do to hold them through the night.  Right now, it's difficult for me when we're watching a movie together, because we only have one couch, and we all barely fit on it.  We're all scrunched together, and somebody's always touching me. 

I've been this way since birth.  My mother says holding me was like holding a starfish.  When I was a kid, my family tormented me by sneaking up behind me and touching my face.  (Yeah, I tormented them right back, but dammit, this is about me.)  When I was in labor with JellyMan, the poor nurse tried to comfort me by stroking my head, and I think I offended her when I jerked away from her touch like she had the ebola virus.  Various touchy-feely friends over the years have had their feelings hurt because I can't hide the fact that I don't particularly want to hug them.

I don't even want The Man touching me all the time. He likes to lie on the couch with his head in my lap, and it drives me up the wall. I sit still as long as I can, but then he's got to go away before I lose it.  I don't want to be this way.  I feel bad about it.  I do.  But it's who I am.

So, my huggy moments with The Goobers (both of whom turned out to be brilliant, beautiful and perfectly healthy, in case you were wondering) are frequent, but brief.  It's a good arrangement for everyone.  Except sometimes they torment me by hugging me and then not letting go. 

I tell them I'll lock them in the basement with Norman, our wicked fierce attack dog, but they never believe me.  Maybe it's because we don't have a basement.

Watching the Dandelions Grow

Sheri got me thinking about my softball days in elementary school.  I really liked softball at first.  That first year it was okay if I struck out or dropped the ball or ran in the wrong direction.  But by 3rd grade people were starting to get irritated.  It was no longer safe for me to play on the infield with all the action, so I requested right field.  There wasn't much action out in right field, but there were tons of dandelions.  My dad says he'll always remember watching me pick flowers during the "big game."  Now, come on.  How big could it have been?  I was eight!  Anyway, the song he always sang to me after a game popped into my head while I was reading Sheri's post and now I can't stop singing:

Playing right field, it's easy you know

You can be awkward, you can be slow

That's why I'm here in right field

Just watching the dandelions grow

I loved my dad, and I loved Peter, Paul, and Mary, and I loved that song, and I even loved playing right field.  I got to see my friends and pick flowers for my mom and sometimes, if the other kids won the game for us, we went to get a milkshake afterwards.  And I was always happy when my parents were looking at me instead of my little brother.  (Okay, I have had a few adjustment issues.)  Sometimes my dad would get all the way to the end of the song:

Playing right field, it's important you know

You gotta know how to catch, you gotta know how to throw

That's why I'm here in right field

Just watching the dandelions grow

I'm still not an athlete, and I still don't care whether my team wins or loses, and my dad is still singing that song.  It would be sweet, but he tends to sing it when I'm wandering around catching newts instead of weeding the onions, or when I'm reading a book instead of making lunch, or when I'm knitting a sock instead of walking the dogs, so it's a little annoying.